Use Paypal to Find Schmooie

Today, I had a lunch date with a Schmooie wanna-be I’ve been in contact with via that famous Jewish dating site. He actually looked just like he did in his pictures, which made me wonder why so many people, men in particular, on these dating sites complain that the person they get is not the person in the picture. We were to meet at 12:30 pm, and from what I could gather, he seemed to be a punctual person, so when I got caught in traffic and would be five minutes late, I decide to call and let him know. When I arrived, I found him sitting in the shade hunched over Keith Richard’s autobiography. This dude, who I shall call Mr. Beardy Hat until a better nickname comes along, was six years older than me, the upper limit I’d take in age difference. His face was bearded, and he wore a flat cap (those trendy little hipster hats) just like in his profile picture. He was a huge music and classic movie buff, which was a plus since I love both those things. He worked for that famous online payment system one uses when buying something off of that famous auctioning site, am I being too blunt?

Recognizing that we’re both into old movies, he took me to a favorite café of his which was named after Jean Harlow. The restaurant had an old 1940s feel complete with pictures on the walls of classic Hollywood stars. We ordered our food and made small talk, him saying clichéd things like how he likes baseball but at the same time can go out for a night at the symphony. He talked a lot about his family and the two dogs he used to own. Somehow, we got on the topic of cell phones. He complained about how he hated when people, particularly old dates, would play on their cell phones in the middle of conversations. This coming from a man who I noticed during the course of our own lunch would take glances at his own Android phone.

Mr. Beardy Hat was a nice person, but I didn’t feel completely comfortable with him. He wasn’t a creep, but I got turned off by him when he said how much he liked “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and how much he can relate to Larry David. I truly do not understand why so many men, of all ages, I’ve been coming across on that famous Jewish dating site say what huge Larry David fans they are! He’s a crotchety, smarmy, unhappy sort of man. How is that a role model for awesomeness? Mr. Beardy Hat had mentioned the night before during our phone conversation that he has a well-kept apartment. During the course of our lunch, he also joked about feeling old. These may all seem like minor things, but with these Schmooie wanna-be’s I keep high on my guard for context clues to their future personality, the one that would emerge if I got to know them better. I’m a relaxed sort of person who wants to feel young at any age. I don’t want to be around a man long-term who’s going to complain about that sort of thing. If he’s doing it now, how the heck is it going to be years from now? Of course, he only said it once in passing, so I was probably over-analyzing. Truly, it’s the feeling like he’s Larry David thing that made me uncomfortable. In all other ways, Mr. Beardy Hat didn’t seem too bad, but I was not completely sold on him. I thought he’d make a fun friend, especially with his love for live music, but I couldn’t picture kissing him or wanting to really “date” him. Now, I know I’m probably being judgmental. It was only our first meeting and he didn’t really say or do anything to indicate that he might release his inner Larry David. Still, as a more laid back person, I didn’t want to get into a relationship with someone who might be too tightly wound.

After lunch, he asked if I had any other plans for the afternoon. I said no, so he asked if I wanted to go to the local Botanical Garden. He had a year’s membership there. Living in a town Out-West means living in a place with a stellar Botanical Garden populated with unique plants. The day was gorgeous, sunny, not too hot; breezy enough to go for a walk. I had never been to the gardens before, but always wanted to go. Perhaps he had picked up on the part in our conversation the night before that I loved gardening, so I agreed to go. He said we could take his car and that he would drop me off back at the restaurant afterward. When we got to his car, he actually held opened and closed the passenger door for me. On the short drive over to the Botanical Gardens, he put on the car stereo to play me some of his favorite bands. Then, he complained about finding the right parking spot.

We started to walk the grounds of the place and it’s magnificent plant displays. There were also animals living in the gardens, little squirrels, snakes, lizards, butterflies, and birds. I thought the little squirrels were adorable. Then, we saw our first of two snakes. A sleek, long black and white scaly snake appeared before us. I’m not scared of snakes, but they do sort of ick me out. Eww, was the first thing that came to mind. I backed away, and hid behind Mr. Beardy Hat. He sort of laughed and said he’d protect me. Grr, I wasn’t trying to be cute and girly though it appeared he took it that way, (more like getting ready to throw him to the snake actually). I wasn’t looking in his direction, still making sure the snake was well on it’s way away from me, when I felt Mr. Beardy Hat take my hand. Then he moved to interlock our fingers. I spent an hour and a half walking the Botanical Gardens loosely holding his hand with interlocked fingers. In high school, I used to hate the couples who walked, hand in hand with fingers interlocked. Made me spew back then and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it now. It was a level of intimacy I wasn’t prepared for or interested in having with Mr. Beardy Hat. See, I wanted to take it slow. I do want a serious relationship, but I’d like to be friends first, see how it goes. I don’t want to be counting on which date is what supposed to happen, especially when he hinted about how romantic the gardens were at night, a “great place to make out” as he put it. Maybe I have an intimacy problem? Maybe the age gap is a bigger deal than I thought? Because while everything about that date should have been sweet and romantic and he really did try hard to be nice, all I kept wondering was, “if I look under your hat would it be like the mystery you encounter when flipping over an old rock in the backyard?” After we toured all the gardens, he opened and closed the car door again for me, and drove me back to my car. I would be going out of town for a month or more. He sounded disappointed that he really wanted to keep in contact and meet me again. He said he’d e-mail. We hugged, his beardy chin scratching my shoulder, and parted for the day. Now, I’m left wondering what I have to say to Mr. Beardy Hat next time because I can’t picture I’m going to get much more comfortable around him. Not really looking forward to having to give the "let's just be friends" speech. I've never had to do that speech in person before. What are your thoughts, lovely readers?