Silliness in the Shadows of Schmooie

Let’s dissect the anatomy of crazy, shall we? Now, having been an official member of that famous Jewish dating site for three months now, I’ve seen some interesting things. It’s been mostly meh. But it hasn’t been all that bad. Although I search and keep seeing the same losers cropping up, I have been “flirted” and “secret admired” by a handful of Schmooie wanna-be’s (admittedly, most were too lame and shy to just take the next step beyond simple mouse clicking even when I sent them a nice e-mail). The highlight of being a member of that famous Jewish dating site so far has been going on a lunch date and having a few subsequent cell phone chats with a very nice, nerdy little gentleman I’ll call “Sandwich Geek.” (See the post about that lunch date here)  

That being said, there are some really great (by “great” I mean “entertaining”) bottom dwellers in the world of online dating. And, of course, one recently tried to contact me. He told me he’s “the Coolest Guy on Earth!” Yeah, that’s right. Feel inferior. I’ve been contacted by “the Coolest Guy on Earth!” No, sorry, it’s not Mick Jagger, or Paul McCartney, or some other person who’s accomplished something amazing that would justify the resounding statement. So then, what qualifies this dude as “the Coolest Guy on Earth!”? I mean, he even put an exclamation mark in his name. Come on, dude, tell me! I’m dying to know! Ooo, if I end up with you, will I be anointed “the Coolest Girl on Earth!” (because I’d rather own the universe actually--who needs  the mere Earth, but I digress.) Unfortunately, he didn’t elaborate except to say, “I’m a strong supporter of…the right to own firearms!” Yes! So, where’s my cannon that I get to shoot you out of? Moreover, he tells me that he says “the right things at the wrong time or better yet, when you least expect it.” Great, I can look forward to being told off on our supposed first date. And, the cherry on top, he has “a weekness for chocolate cake and ice cream.” Yes, “weekness” was spelled that way. Perhaps he means he eats sweets on a weeklyness basis. Could there be more to love?

 What else could he possibly tell me to get my motor running? Well he’s “a very clean and organized person…my house is ‘spotless.’ and i always cook my own food.” I intentionally left the lower case letters in that quote to show his impeccable punctuation. (Incidentally, do you know how hard it is to type a lower case “i” on it’s own without autocorrect trying to fix it for you?) For some reason when he talks about his immaculate housekeeping skills and preparation of his own food, all I can picture are his survival skills living inside a bunker in his mom’s basement. Wait, is it hard to keep an underground dwelling clean? Maybe not, if the underground dwelling exists in the chasms of your mind. I wonder if this guy nearly had a nervous break-down during Y2K. I bet he’s preparing for 2012. Perhaps that is his secret reason for online dating in the first place. He’s looking for a woman who will help him rebuild society after the Apocalypse. The dear misguided delusional delight of a dude concluded with, “when it comes to my beliefs, i only believe and accept the ‘Word of God’! no commentaries!” Hey, I’ve got some commentary for you, but I’m not sure what might happen if I tell it to you. Perhaps I can shove some chocolate cake and ice cream at you while I give you my commentary: You’re too honest (and honestly insane) for your own good!

**Incidentally, this post is nothing against the Second Amendment or such. A lot of my good friends are hunters. I think this dude is the one who makes the Second Amendment look bad. I mean no offense to anyone. No, this post is against hillbillies owning computer equipment and attempting online dating.