Schmooie Delpino (Part II)

...And then, Schmooie Delpino arrived. Well, he had actually been there the whole time, but after Lawyer Boy and I decided to try once more to mingle, I turned around to see Schmooie Delpino for the first time, sitting on a cabana bench giving me the look. It was the look you want the man you’re interested in most to throw at you, but instead it’s the look you’ll always get from non-Schmooies of the world. Oh, no. I was in trouble, and Lawyer Boy was nowhere to be found. At that moment, Lawyer Boy did return with a dude who had terrible teeth. Lawyer Boy and I knew the Dude with Terrible Teeth from another event. I had no interest in him because of his snarky sense of humor. I didn’t want to become the butt of his jokes. Lawyer Boy didn’t intentionally bring him over to me. They just happened to be walking together. I said my hellos, and turned to see Schmooie Delpino had joined our conversation.

Schmooie Delpino had two or three straggly grey hairs in an otherwise lustrous head of hair, so I assumed he was older than me. Turns out he’s younger than me, with prematureing strands of grey. Nonetheless, he did have a full head of hair, along with pasty greenish skin, a funny little twitch in his limbs, and a strange little Brooklyn sort of accent even though he was from Baltimore. In fact, he resembled a more bushy haired version of Vincent Delpino, the jittery, entertaining side kick, best friend to Doogie Howser in the Neil Patrick Harris sitcom “Doogie Howser, MD.” For those unfamiliar with the sitcom, see Vincent Delpino in all his glory here:

Schmooie Delpino noted that he and I were wearing similar necklaces. We both had on Chai necklaces, which besides the Star of David is another type of Jewish symbol. He casually leaned his arm against the wall, while he talked to me. Oye, talk about body language. The gathering was winding down, and it was still early. Schmooie Delpino wanted to go eat with me at a nearby Mediterranean restaurant. I wasn’t repulsed by him, but I wasn’t intensely interested either. Still, I was willing to go eat with him. I admired his guts to just go ahead and make a gesture. Then, he asked how old I was. I asked how old he was. He’s three years younger than me. He tried to guess my age. At first, I let him have the original guess he came out with since it sounded so good to me. Then, I just pretended to be his age. It’s not a complete lie. One of my closest friends recently thought I was the age I gave Schmooie Delpino. Ergo, if someone I know very well can think I’m that age, I shall make myself so.

I said my goodbyes to Lawyer Boy and the Dude with Terrible Teeth. Then, I wanted to leave quickly with Schmooie Delpino, lest anyone see us together. It’s not that I was embarrassed by him. It’s that I hate going to these events and seeing a guy and a girl go off together. There’s something almost naughty or seedy to me about it, and I didn’t want to be one of those people I can’t stand. 

The place only had street parking. My car was parked down the street around the corner. He offered to do the driving since he was parked much closer. I knew Schmooie Delpino was weird, but he wasn’t shady or untrustworthy, so I agreed. I was wearing heels, and mentioned the shoes made it somewhat difficult to walk properly. As we crossed the street, he held out his hand, offering to hold mine so I could run better despite the heels. I didn’t really notice the gesture since I was too busy commenting on the annoying heels. And as soon as I did, I felt a little bad that he had tried and I didn’t act nicer about it. When we got to the restaurant, he actually pulled open the chair for me. No guy has ever done that for me before. We had some similar interests, but not a ton in common. Schmooie Delpino has a reason for his twitch and lack of concentration. It’s a medical condition. I still felt a tad guilty for lying about my age, but he had a very short attention span and was already on to the next thing. He’d done a lot of traveling and had experience with going through the South. He was interested about my life in Mississippi. We discussed where our families came from, which is something many Jews enjoy doing. He was just such a strange dude with his twitches, pasty skin, short attention span, but ability to cut through it with moments of being thoughtful, polite, and almost sweet at the same time.

After we ate, he drove me back to my car. He gave me his facebook name and phone number and wasn’t sure how to end things from there. I really didn’t want to kiss him, and he wasn’t waiting for one anyway. He almost put out his hand like he wanted to invent some sort of fist knuckle hand shake. So I gave him a hug and left. He’s not Schmooie, but I’d hang out with him again, as long as he gets that it’s not romantic. Since he lives pretty far away from me, I don't think I have much to worry about. He’s sort of like the surprise you get in your cereal box, the one that you didn’t want, but still puts a smile on your face. Now, I shall go eat some cereal!